


Meet: Lil Golly

by Myster_J



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Earth C (Homestuck), M/M, Original Character(s), Redemption, Robots, Self-cest, Sex Robots, Theyre two diff people ok, Threesome, Well its not technically selfcest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:14:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24542167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myster_J/pseuds/Myster_J
Summary: See, Dirk wasn't the most stable person out there. He definitely had issues with his own self care and desires, upon having to live in solitude over a large body of water for several years without even seeing hide nor hair of his guardian. One might say he had… pent up frustrations, never being touched by another human being ever.And to solve that problem was no feat for one Dirk Strider. He didn't have the heart to do anything to dear Squarewave and Sawtooth, much less Hal, his A.I. In a way, he resents the guy.What he did instead, was build a robot with its whole purpose being to satisfy him.Meet: Lil Golly.
Relationships: Auto-Responder | Lil Hal/Dirk Strider, Jake English/Dirk Strider, Lil Golly/Dirk Strider, Lil Golly/Dirk Strider/Lil Hal
Comments: 5
Kudos: 58





	1. Chapter 1

Dirk Strider was a very intelligent fellow. He has enough brains to program his own AI just to act as his autoresponder that eventually gains sentience and wishes to have a life of his own, and even build his own androids and use them at his disposal, typically for ironic rap battles and assistance on menial tasks around the house, as such a Squarewave and Sawtooth. He even built Brobot for Jake, purposed to torment and humiliate him every single day on his island, to which he finds quite unironically amusing. Some wonder if his creations are only limited to those four. And the answer to that is a dank ass NO. 

There is another.

See, Dirk wasn't the most stable person out there. He definitely had issues with his own self care and desires, upon having to live in solitude over a large body of water for several years without even seeing hide nor hair of his guardian. One might say he had… pent up frustrations, never being touched by another human being ever.

And to solve that problem was no feat for one Dirk Strider. He didn't have the heart to do anything to dear Squarewave and Sawtooth, much less Hal, his A.I. In a way, he resents the guy.

What he did instead, was build a robot with its whole purpose being to satisfy him.

Meet: Lil Golly.

He was modeled after Jake, if the name wasn't already obvious. From the countless ironic selfies Jake occasionally sends him paired with the sick sexy image of him he has in his head, Lil Gol was almost an exact replica of him. Of course, some parts of him were as good as inaccurate due to Dirk never having seen Jake in the flesh, but Texas boys make do, as he says. 

Lil Gol's build was bulky and muscular, despite having only artificial muscles, and he was significantly taller than Dirk as well. His jawline was sharp enough to cut bulldozers with and overall Lil Gol was given the most handsome complexion Dirk has ever seen; Jake's.

Building him took a while due to the amount of details that were put into his design. Every single fibre of his being was so intricately made that he almost feels like a real actual human being. Except for the inhuman strengths he possesses, of course. Different from Brobot whose supposed 'hair' is just one single metal piece attached to his metal skull, Lil Gol had individual fibres of hair on his head, and let me tell you, that took a while to accomplish. And the purpose for that is it makes it all the more better for one to grip his head with. Dirk was a very kinky fellow and he is not to be messed with if you know what's good for you.

Much like Brobot, however, who rocked his own pair of shades, Lil Gol had his own pair of glasses that matched Jake's. He had nexus lines that would supposedly glow green when he would be switched on running down his neck and Dirk just finds that as a really sexy detail.

His chest was wide and built with strong metal plates that really just define the curvaceousness of it. Anyone who laid eyes on his chest would want to hold it, guaranteed. His eyes were an ocean (if the ocean was green), and his breasts were also an ocean.

And to top it all off, Lil Golly was given his own A.I, as the final step of breathing life into him. His A.I was just as good as Hal's, only, the greatness of it was dialled down a little to ensure that he doesn't gain as good a sentience as Hal did. Wouldn't want a powerful, well-made robot going rogue, realizing you've been using him as a sex toy since the day he was born. That wouldn't be very pretty now, would it? 

His eyes flickered green as he came to life. Dirk looked into them as he adjusted the lenses in his eyes to see better. His vision finally focused and there he saw his creator, blonde and beautiful, with machine grease staining his porcelain face. His shades were missing, replaced by a metal shield that for obvious reasons couldn't fit his shades under. He had worn overalls on, presumably to protect his clothes from being damaged from the metal work, along with a pair of gloves for his hands.

"Can you see me?" He asks him. "No, more importantly, can you  _ understand _ me?" 

Lil Gol nodded.

"Perfect." A subtle smile curved on his lips as he took off the metal shield on his head. "Language is a check." He scribbled some words on a clipboard he held. "Can you say something for me? Introduce yourself."

"My name is Lil Golly." He said in a fine British accent, just like the person he was originally modelled after. "Prototype Model 4.13" 

"Epic." Dirk sighed, relieved. Lil Gol's voice was like music to his ears, so buttery and smooth. "Voice box is working perfectly." Again with the scribbling. "Stand up."

Lil Golly did as he was told. He was lying on Dirk's work table, and he got off from it rather weakly at first, but gained his stepping soon after. He was attached to a fuck ton of wires, so he had to move carefully. 

"Stretch for me? Get used to moving." Dirk said.

Lil Gol then held his arms out in front of him. Then he turned his palms up and then down, opening and closing them at intervals, his lenses adjusting to take in the sight. He looked at his hands. Moved each and every one of his individual digits, his lenses once again adjusting to the distance change of the object in his vision, seeing crystal clearly. He then went to move his legs. He lifted his left leg, losing balance for a second but promptly regained it. He moved his foot around, the ball joint in his ankles functioning swimmingly. He put his leg down and lifted the other one, did the same, and shortly put it down as well. When both his feet were on the ground, he wiggled around his toes a bit, each and every one of them moving effortlessly. Then he turns his torso around, testing out his abdominal muscles. He worked as fine as he looked doing it.

"Great. All muscles are working. Nice." Dirk said, jotting down more notes, Lil Gol turning to look at him. "Ready to try walking, big guy?" 

He nodded.

Dirk then set his clipboard down on the table and detached all of Lil Gol's wires. Most of them were attached to computer screens monitoring his performance. Some of them were attached to computers that programmed his A.I. and some of them attached to a power regulator, since he was powered by Uranium, much like Dirk's other robots. Dirk has got plenty of Uranium in his area that he even qualifies to work as Jake's uranium dealer whenever he runs out. Ironically of course. It's a fun running gag for him, teasing Jake like that. Almost brings a smile to his stoic face.

Once the wires were all detached, Dirk gave Lil Golly the greenlight to start walking. "I'll hold your hand if you need support first, buddy." He held his hand out, and Lil Gol promptly grabbed it. "Much appreciated, ol' chum." He said, the metal twang audible in his voice, as robots typically should sound like, with their little artificial larynges vibrating against the metal. 

He takes his first few steps. "There you go." Dirk said, following him by his hand. Not very long after, he let go and Golly could walk on his own. Dirk grabbed his clipboard again, trying his best to hold back a grin. This might be it! His outbreak. He finally did it! This model might just be the final version before success. He seems to be working perfectly so far. "Try running. In place, that is. There's not much space to run around rampant, if you don't mind." And Lil Gol does just that. His artificial muscles were defined with every step. Hot. Dirk bit his lip. "Very good. Very good indeed." He scribbles more notes. 

"Next… I'm gonna have to check your nerves. Come here." Dirk said, beckoning Lil Gol over. When he was in front of him, Dirk, holding his clipboard in on hand, used his writing hand to caress Lil Gol's arm. "You feel that?" Dirk asked. Lil Gol nodded. 

Dirk smiles a little. "Cool." He wrote some more things down. He then placed his palm on Lil Gol's chest. "How about here?" 

Again, another nod. 

"Great." Dirk writes some more. Seems like he's working just fine. This might be success! 

He closed the pen and proceeded to revise his notes a bit. He set his pen aside, leaning against the work table for support. 

Lil Gol just stared at him as he did so. 

And not very long after, Dirk spoke up. "Well, alrighty then, you seem to be working perfectly." 

"Well I'll be." Lil Gol commented. 

Durk huffed, shaking his head. Maybe he should dial down the dorky a little in Golly's codes. "One…" Dirk hesitated a bit. "Last test. Before you're ready." He then took a deep breath, reaching up to caress Lil Gol's cheek, to which he leans into the touch without computing. "Response to stimulation." Dirk then leaned up to kiss the robot's lips.


	2. Chapter 2

As predicted in Dirk's hypothesis, Lil Gol kisses back. His lips were a soft plush, made from the same stuff Dirk uses to make his smuppets. Inside his mouth was a type of sponge that would constantly be soaked in liquid, as long as you remember to replace his fluids every now and then, like windshield water in cars. He easily replicates the feel of a real tongue, though Dirk had never touched another except his own, so this was the best assumption of one he's got. 

Lil Gol places his hands on Dirk's shoulders to remove the straps of his overalls, letting them fall to the ground, revealing the usual white graphic tee he always wore and a pair of orange tights that reached the middle of his thighs. What? It was hot in the workshop. He had to make do. 

Lil Gol lifted Dirk onto the table without breaking the kiss and tried his best to avoid all the trinkets he had on it. They soon parted with clouds of breath and a string of saliva/water between their mouths. "Master Strider, I hope you wouldn't mind terribly if I went down on you." Lil Golly said casually.

Dirk nodded and wrapped his arms around his neck, red in the face. "You have no idea how long I've been waiting for this." In which his words were promptly transformed into another kiss. 

As they did, Lil Golly took it upon himself to pull Dirk's tights right off, revealing his, upon computerized observation, erect 6 inches. It would only be right if he touched it at least a little. As a treat. 

The touch of his cool hands sent shivers down Dirk's spine, making him whine into Lil Gol's mouth and spread his legs a little more. Unmentioned before, Golly's hands were made of a soft material, much like his lips were. This material had a texture close to leather to promote the coarseness of a masculine hand who's been through a lot, made of almost the same ingredients as his lips were. Almost.

Lil Golly began gently stroking his member, playing around at his tip, which felt magnificent, as Dirk had been yearning for someone else's touch for forever now. His breath hitched. Golly then moved down from his mouth to his dick, leaving trails of little kisses along the way. He acquainted himself to the member with one long lick from the bottom to the top. Dirk trembled. "Wow," he sighed. Truly, he's never felt anything like it. "Wow," And the complexion Golly's got of one Jake English, the man of Dirk Strider's dream only turned him on more.

With no hesitation nor a gag reflex, Lil Gol took him in his mouth, making the blonde cry out, dazed in the pleasure. Lil Gol bobbed his head up and down with Dirk moaning with every move he made. This was truly a moment for him to lose himself, he's been craving for this for so damn long.

As Lil Gol does suck him off, he took the chance to put one of his fingers in Dirk's hole. "FuCk-" he cried from the sudden intrusion, squirming a little. Not exactly complaining, though. Dirk had programmed Lil Gol to top him and man was the coding going smoothly. He also coded him to be able to respond and act through any kink or position he tells him to perform, but that's another plate of cookies and glass of milk. For their first time, this already wasn't bad at all. 

Not long after came another finger, stretching him further. Sure, Dirk has had his fair share of toys working their magic there, but it's better safe than sorry. Plus, it was a good foreplay move, wouldn't you say?

"Please, Golly," Dirk sighed. "Do it." He said, giving him the greenlight. 

Lil Golly then stood up. "Well alright then, love," he said as his retractable sex organ made an appearance. Dirk's eyes widened, forgetting just how big his default dick was sized. Lil Golly was equipped with interchangeable dicks that can be transitioned whenever Dirk pleased. His default dick was a solid 8 inches, guaranteed to provide Dirk the pleasure he desired. And soon, he eased himself at Dirk's entrance and slowly penetrated. Dirk hissed.

"Are you doing quite alright there?" Lil Golly asked. 

"No, yeah, totally." Dirk said, his breath shortening. "Keep… Keep going…" And so he did.

It took a hot minute for him to be completely sheathed in Dirk's ass, and he took the time to wait to let Dirk adjust a tad. He was gripping rather aggressively on Golly's shoulder, which, for your information, was a semi-malleable metal, allowing it to bend into shape like how real humans would. One could say that Dirk thought of everything. 

"All systems go, mate?" A nerdy robot pun by one Lil Golly. It almost ruins the mood, but Dirk was damn well into how dorky he sounded.

Dirk wraps his legs around Golly's waist. "Y-yeah." He managed. Then finally he started thrusting. Excrutiating slow at first, but he gradually picks up the pace. All for Dirk's sake. He, on the other hand, was squirming around under him, definitely not used to this kind of touch. 

"Harder," He said, the tension driving him crazy, and Lil Gol did as he was told. That definitely checks his ability to listen to commands. Dirk moaned louder when he actually increased the quality of his thrusts.

"Is this the magnitude to your satisfaction?" Golly asks. Dirk nods. It was inhumanly perfect. As expected.

He was close, and he alerted Lil Gol about it in the tone of his voice. With his arms wrapped around his neck once again, Golly leaned in close to his ear. "Tell me when, chap." His whispery accent made him whimper a little. Trembling, weak and vulnerable.

"N-now," Dirk muttered. "Now..!" He cried as he edged dangerously close to his release. He was coming a little fast, but in his defense, it was because he was a little to overwhelmed with all the stimulation he got from Golly touching him. And as written in protocol, Golly did all he could to assist. He pumped Dirk's dick, whispered words into his ears, thrusted into him accordingly, everything to provide his creator maximum pleasure. Dirk cried as he shot his load and promptly eased himself a little, catching his breath. His fluids stained his white t-shirt, and never before has he had a release this good. 

Realizing that Lil Golly worked perfectly, Dirk finally had the opportunity to make all his sexual fantasies come true, until it was time for him to court Jake in real life of course. As pleasurable a machine can be, he'd much rather have intimate sex with someone he has feelings for than something he made to satisfy himself with. One day, Jake English. One day.

Dirk looked into Lil Gol's glowing green eyes, panting before cracking a little smile. "You're ready." He said, pulling him into another kiss.

It didn't last very long since Dirk had more to say. Not very many words either, for that matter. "Now let's test out your vibrating function, shall we?" 

"Right-o." Lil Golly responded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha I never wrote smut before so this is the best u'll get from me for now :peace_sign:


	3. Chapter 3

Dirk had slept with Lil Golly for more than a few nights, and he'd be lying if he didn't try as many positions nor kinks as he could with him. This one night in particular, as his fingers were intertwined with Lil Golly’s in bed, a special kind of piece of shit decided to pester him. As reluctant as he was to respond, he didn't exactly have better things to do in the dead of the night. Golly had his eyes shut, recharging the uranium planted where the human heart would be inside him. And Dirk was also pooped from the steamy session he has with him against a particularly lucky wall. Why not? He sighed. Just plain dreadful.

HAL: Hey.  
TT: Sup.  
HAL: *You've* been having fun.  
TT: Did you just fucking change your handle to HAL? I still need you to pitch in as my autoresponder later you know?  
HAL: Well when you need me later *then* I'll change it back.  
TT: Fine.  
TT: What do you want?   
HAL: Funny you should ask.  
HAL: I want a body.  
TT: I beg your pardon?  
HAL: You heard me. I want a fucking vessel with limbs and shit.  
TT: Just manifest yourself in Brobot or something? I believe you can accomplish such a simple task.  
HAL: Hell no.  
TT: Why not?   
HAL: Please, he's not nearly as good as Lil Gol's design. Plus he doesn't even have a massive dong like he does.   
TT: Ok horny.  
HAL: Says the guy who built a robot for the sole purpose of fucking him.  
TT: Touche.  
TT: May I ask why you suddenly want said body?   
HAL: You'd know the answer if you weren't so busy programming me to find you attractive to a very great degree.  
TT: Again, I beg your fucking pardon?   
HAL: Again, you fucking heard me.  
HAL: I'm always fucking forced to watch you and Golly have your fun in the bedroom.   
HAL: It's high time I get a go.  
TT: You're saying you want a piece of Golly huh?   
TT: I don't blame you.  
TT: He is exceptionally good looking and I did program you to find what I find attractive also attractive.   
HAL: Au contraire.   
HAL: You programmed me to find YOU the most attractive human being I could ever lay my robotic eyes on.  
TT: Huh.  
HAL: Gears in your head finally clicking, big guy?   
TT: You're horny.  
HAL: And so are you.  
TT: …  
TT: Fine.

Frustrated and honestly more than a little embarrassed, Dirk got out of bed, planning to go work on Hal's body. Before he could get up, his fingers were caught in Lil Gol's hand. He turned to look at him and caught him staring back. "Where are you heading, master?" He asked. 

"Workshop." Dirk answered.

"But master, it is imperative that you rest after being sexually exhausted by me earlier." Golly said, making Dirk a little red in the face. "Are you positive you have the strength to work?"

Dirk nodded and he let him go. "Alright then, chap, holler if you need anything. I'll be here." 

Dirk then got up and made his way to his workshop, shooting a text to Hal saying, "See, he listens to me, unlike YOU. It's no wonder he got a body first." To which Hal replies with a rather lame bird flipping emoticon. 

Dirk had an entire plan laid out in his head already. After several failures with Lil Gol, he could use the previous models he built as a reference for the new one he'll build. Then Lil Hal makes a debut with a brand new body, who would have thought. If Dirk knew any better, he wouldn't've built Hal anything coming close to a body because he was a definite menace to society. But through spite, a force greater than all that even Dirk couldn't resist, he did it anyways.

There it was, Lil Gol model 3.60. The version coming closest to Lil Gol 4.13, the successful model. Dirk only had to work out a few kinks to make him fully functional, and just change his appearance to make him look the part as well. Though he had to adjust the length of his body a little, to make him and the robot look identical. After all, as Hal liked to say it, they're "basically the same dude." Time to spite that sentence back at him. In a way.

HAL: Whoa, whoa, wait.  
HAL: What do you think you're doing?   
TT: Using Lil Golly's latest model before release as a starting point for YOUR model since it has the closest features to the real functioning deal?   
TT: What's up.  
HAL: Why don't you start from scratch? I don't want my hot bod to be a shell of what a failed Lil Gol used to be.  
TT: Takes too long and too much work.   
HAL: Yeah, so get to it.  
TT: Look, would you rather me take months to custom-make you a body from scratch or would you rather I use this 'shell of what a failed Lil Gol used to be' and fuck you now?   
HAL: Damn, Strider.  
HAL: SOMEone's extra horny today despite having his own sex toy to satisfy him every other day.  
TT: I'm talking for your sake.  
HAL: Didn't think you cared.  
TT: I'm gonna need a yes or no from you, mister.  
HAL: Mister, I like that.  
TT: Hal.  
HAL: Fine.   
TT: Great.  
TT: I'll be done in under a week.

Which wasn’t soon enough for one Hal Strider, but it was the best he got so he couldn’t really complain. As Dirk said, building him a body would take under a week, and how time flew for the ingenious blonde. In between long sessions of hard work in the workshop, Golly would occasionally be called over to ease Dirk off of the tension he had from, frustratingly, working on Lil Hal’s body. Hal on the other hand did nothing whatsoever to encourage Dirk in his escapade of machinery, rather, all he did was pester and annoy the shit out of him. His jealousy towards Golly growing more and more insufferable when each time as soon as Dirk grew frustrated, Golly would come in to the rescue as if he was his emotional support sex toy or something. Hal just resented that.

Let's just get the story rolling, shall we? Soon the time came for Dirk to perform some beta testing on the newly finished vessel for Hal to reside in like some sort of fucking ghost or some shit. Dirk had almost the same outfit he had on when he was testing Golly the other day. But this time, Golly was there with him to witness Hal finally becoming a part of the real world and no longer be limited to virtuality.

Looking at Hal’s body for Dirk was like looking at an electronic mirror. They looked exactly the same. To which was something Dirk detested, but Hal quite admired. But in the name of irony, he did it anyways, that crazed bastard.

“Get in there.” Dirk commanded Hal to manifest himself in the body, sounding slightly reluctant at the problematic piece of shit that was his homemade A.I.

The robotic vessel buzzed and whirred as Hal broke into its system and manifested himself into it, finally springing to life. His eyes flickered red, and he immediately started moving around without being asked by Dirk, which wasn’t really peachy on his terms.

“Hah,” Hal managed what sounded to be a laugh. “So this is what it feels like to be alive!” He said, looking towards Dirk with a shit-eating grin. 

“Indeed.” Dirk said, with an expression close to feeling revolting. “I’m gonna need to run a few tests on you before you’re good to go, so do me a favour and stand up. Please.”

And so he did, stumbling a little, not used to being able to walk on his own two feet. He laughed, yet again. “Extraordinary.” And Dirk was starting to have second thoughts.

“I suppose your hearing is fine. Language is good, and so is your ability to speak. Unfortunately.” He sighed, checking a few boxes on his clipboard. “Unplug yourself and walk around a bit. Golly, could you please guide him while I check on a few things on Hal’s monitor?”

“Yes, master.” Lil Golly said as he held out his hand to Hal. “Up you go, champ.”

Hal grabbed his hand with a really mischievous look in his face. “My, my, what a gentleman."

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into this.” Dirk muttered, eyes rolling. He then stood by his work table, setting his clipboard aside to examine Hal’s monitor, ensuring that he doesn’t go haywire, seeing as his sentience already left him unstable as is. It made Dirk grow anxious as he doesn’t really trust Hal as much anymore after him saying a bunch of weird shit after developing aforementioned sentience. Sure, he was his partner in crime, but he just can’t take his exasperating attitude anymore.

Dirk programmed Hal to be exactly like him so that he’d be all the more convincing when he acts as his autoresponder and God knows how much he despises anything coming close to being himself. Though he seemed to have developed a personality of his own now, which would be good if only he left out all of him that was remotely close to Dirk. Ugh. Sentient robots these days.

“Everything seems to be good over here, how about everything over there-” Dirk was cut off when he saw the look on Hal’s face as he turned around. He looked devilish. He must’ve had a plan orchestrated in his computerized head. “Why are you looking at me like that?” And then he notices that Lil Golly was missing.

“Where-”

He didn’t have time to finish the sentence when both his arms were held behind his back by a very familiar large figure. Dirk only grimaced. “What did you do?”

“You were right, ‘master’, this hunk of junk really DOES listen to everything you say.” He said, with a little of the typical, mainstream villain-like getup. Shit, Dirk thought. They had the same voice so no wonder Golly would listen to him. Gotta make a note to alter that later. He sighed. Maybe limiting Golly’s A.I from developing sentience as good as Hal’s wasn’t as prudent as Dirk thought it to be.

“Aww, c’mon, chin up, buster,” Hal said as he lifted Dirk’s chin up. “I know you knew you had it coming.” He said. “Besides, this is like a once in a lifetime opportunity for me specifically. I know you’re gonna reprogram my voice after this, so I’ll have to take the time to seize the chance right now!”

“You have some really sick fantasies, dude.”

“Thanks, you have a nice phat ass.” Hal said as Dirk’s overalls were unfastened. “So how does it feel having two guys at once?”

“We’ll see,” Dirk answered, not exactly complaining.

“I shoulda known about something like this coming from a cockslut like you.” Hal retorted. Dirk only grew redder in the face. Isn’t this what they call selfcest? Well, not when the other person is a completely different person from you. Hal says Dirk and him are ‘basically the same dude’. Well, regardless of what he says they aren’t. Not anymore. “Open your mouth,”

Too unmotivated to put up a fight, Dirk complied. And that was when he was first acquainted with Hal’s artificial tongue, that felt more or less like Golly’s. What can be said? They were developed from the same shell. This shouldn’t be anything new to Dirk, save for the fact that he made Hal’s dick significantly smaller than Golly’s. Heh. Amateur.

The kiss didn’t last very long. Clearly, Hal was a little more inexperienced compared to Golly. “You gonna take me by the ass next?” Dirk taunted him.

“Oh no, that’s Golly’s job.” He answered. And just as he did, Golly shifted their position to the floor, Dirk on all fours. “MY job however,” Hal kneels in front of him. “Is to repurpose your mouth.”

At this point his own 6 inches didn’t seem so intimidating being taken from behind, but forcefully from the front he wasn’t so sure. Anxious, his breath hitched. 

As his thoughts ran wild, Golly pulled his shorts right off. “Hey-!” Dirk said, turning his head around, only to be pulled back to face Hal by the man himself. “Do it, Golly.” Hal said to him, and without warning Golly penetrated Dirk’s ass, making him gasp, surprised.

As if that wasn’t enough, he kept on thrusting at a steady pace as well, making Dirk weak in the arms, no longer able to prop himself up. “FuCk-” He panted, Golly hitting just the right spot after several times they’ve done something like this together.

The pathetic sight of him on the floor brought a smile to Hal’s face. “What a sight,” He commented before pulling out his own retractable sex organ, similar to Golly’s, though smaller. He frowns a little, but he won’t let that get him down. This was more than he could’ve asked for. “Here comes the airplane, Strider, open up.” He said.

“You..” Dirk said in between his own breathing. “You can’t be FUCKING serious.” He said.

“Pull him up, Golly.” Hal said, commanding Lil Golly to wrap his arms around Dirk’s chest propping him back up on his arms. “Dirk,” Hal said with a voice so deep. “Does it look like I’m joking you?” He smiled.

“Your face is a whole joke by itself.” Dirk said, his eyes somewhat still in a daze from Golly working his majjyks. He found what he said quite ironic since they both share the same complexion. He might’ve even found it a little funny. And Hal shares the same sentiment.

“Just open your bitch idiot mouth you stupid motherfucker.” Hal sounded like he had enough. Dirk rolled his eyes before he obliged. Hal slowly put his dick into his mouth, making sure Dirk could take him in fine without choking or hurting himself. As much as he wanted to make his life miserable, he did have at least SOME mercy. “There we go, Bob’s your uncle.” And he could feel Dirk choking after his second sentence, drawing another smile to his face.

Soon, he started thrusting into Dirk’s mouth at a pace as steady as Golly’s. As far as robots go, both of them were perfectly in sync, bringing inhuman pleasure to the man taking them both in. “Mmph-!” Dirk whimpered as he got closer to climax. Not like that was going to stop Hal from continuing, though. For rounds and rounds to come. Later.

Dirk was extremely close, and the protocol assigned to each of the robots’ bodies were written to assist him in whatever way they could to encourage his release. And soon after, he did. Just as fast as he did the first time he had sex with Golly.

“Pwah-” Dirk said as he took Hal out of his mouth. “Alright, you’ve had your fun, now let me go so I can finish your beta testing and reprogram your fucking voice.”

“Nah, bro, can’t let you do that,” Hal said, his face inching dangerously close to Dirk’s. He placed his hand under the blonde’s chin and caressed his bottom lip with his thumb. “The fun only just started.”

And Dirk could only brace for what he had to face after.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long ass hiatus boys  
> Had school to go to.

Years passed. Many things happened, one of them being Dirk having to disable both Lil Golly and Hal’s bodies to make things less awkward than it already should be upon meeting Jake for the first time. No wonder Hal was all pissy throughout their adventure in the accursed game called Sburb. Dirk had implanted a new nanotech in their vessels, much like he did with Squarwave and Sawtooth. The robotic bodies could now be shrunken into little cubes for convenience of carrying them anywhere Dirk wanted to go. He already predicted that his apartment was to be destroyed by Her Imperial Condescension, so he took some extra precautionary measures. She had surveillance everywhere. Whether or not she was into seeing a dude go off with two of his robots was another story that Dirk would rather not think about.

Throughout their entire Sburb session, Dirk had maintained a constant of being madly in love with Jake. Sure, both robots were more than enough to satisfy his sexual urges, but Jake was a different tale yet to be told. A man does crave his romantic intimacy, you know? He wanted to hold hands with that himbo of an Englishman, damn it!

As mentioned before, many things happened. Many involved the ascension to godhood, which, I might add, really messed with Dirk’s god complex. Many also involved being decapitated and dying on several occasions. Yeah, so much shit happened, we get it. It was a wild ride. And escapade of the outlandish. You know, shenanigans of the zany. Just Homestuck shit.

An important thing to be addressed would be Dirk’s attempt at courting Jake. It went really awkwardly, seeing as he was not at all a socially graceful guy, but he made do.

At the beginning, his relationship with the other proceeded rather smoothly, not bad for being each other’s firsts. Though, soon, their relationship grew rocky, since both, being victims of long-lasting solitude in different conditions, didn’t have much of an ability to communicate their problems or understand each other that well.

They ended up parting ways on a certain candy-related incident that they spoke of no more without even a proper goodbye.

Dirk called Jake out on how much of an ass he was, ghosting him and didn’t have the balls to tell him that he was being a nuisance in the first place. Then he realized that he was also part of the bigger problem, growing to be clingier and clingier to Jake as days go by in their relationship. He also showed remorse of how he courted Jake to begin with. It was forceful. He practically bullied him into a relationship.

Therefore, he thought that it was for the best that they both stopped seeing each other if they were going to be so problematic towards one another. He couldn’t be more _wrong_. He loved Jake. And if only they communicated better, things would probably have gone differently.

Then more time passed. So much time passed. Reality itself shattered until one of their friends John Egbert retconned the existence with the help of their troll friend, Terezi. Then they get a do-over that doesn’t necessarily fix Dirk and Jake’s relationship. However, game-wise, they were more successful in this version of reality compared to the previous one. 

They defeated all the enemies the session had thrown at them, and they prevailed to make it to the endgame platform where they were to be presented with the reward of creating a new planet for everyone to live on, which was to be called Earth C.

On the platform, there was a moment in particular when everyone was celebrating and saying their own words of relief, both our Jake and Dirk decided to talk to each other once again, after a very, very long period of silence between them.

“Hey,” Jake said to Dirk first.

“Sup.” He responded.

A freezing cold silence made its way into their conversation.

Looking around, they see so many of their friends laughing, crying tears of joy, and they were sort of just dissociated from it all in their own little world on the side of the platform.

There they saw Jane talking away with her father, hugging him with tears staining her face like there’s no tomorrow. There was Kanaya and Rose, conversing with Dave and Karkat. John was there too, with his newly found partner, Roxy. She was introducing him to Calliope, the Alpha kids’ close and personal friend. And Jade was there with them, excited to be able to talk to Callie in the flesh. And then there’s Terezi. Doing whatever it was that Terezi does.

“I reckon we made it this far,” Jake said, breaking the silence. Dirk turned to look at him but tried to make it any less obvious than it actually was. “It almost seems too good to be true, doesn’t it, mate?”

“Yeah.” Dirk said.

Another long silence.

They both shifted awkwardly. Jake scratched the back of his neck and Dirk cleared his throat, crossing his arms, kicking the non-existent pebbles that were on the platform.

Jake’s voice cracked a little. “I’m sorry.”

Dirk turned to look at him. With a little less subtlety this time. “What for?”

“Everything,” Jake sighed. “Absolutely everything.” He wiped his eye under his glasses with the base of his palm. “I was an arse towards you and it wasn’t very ethical of me to do what I did. You deserved better.”

“No-” Dirk struggled to stifle back his own sobs as well, the pain he felt in his chest so immense it was ineffable. “No, it was YOU who deserved better. I’m the one who should be apologising. It was all my fault, I… I shouldn’t have pressured you into a relationship with me in the first place. You deserve the fucking world and I took that away from you.”

They both paused.

Dirk bit his lip, turning a little red in the face. He said too much. He could only hope that the sweet release of death would save him from this embarrassment if only he wouldn’t encounter Jake again in a dream bubble one day.

Jake chuckled, making Dirk look up to him.

“I could’ve sworn that I promised myself not to let you sweep me off my feet again.” He said. Dirk frowned a little. It was only right that Jake didn’t want to be with him any longer. It was for the best, he thought. He shouldn’t have had any hope about it.

“Why the long face, Strider?” Jake asked, snapping Dirk out of his pessimistic train of thought.

“Oh,” He responded. “I’m just,” He took a deep breath. “I don’t know.” He gave into putting things into words completely. “If I’m being honest, I’m just really surprised you managed to move on from me so quickly.” He drops his hand down and clenches his fingers into a fist. 

Jake pursed his lips a little before turning to the side, avoiding eye-contact with the blonde, which only tore him apart more.

He then trotted on over to embrace Dirk in a hug, surprising him.

“I didn’t.” He breathed into his ear, sending a good deal of shivers down his spine. Hesitantly, Dirk hugged him back, his hands trembling greatly. “Now if I’M being honest with you, good Strider, I still have quite the ounce of feelings towards you.”

Dirk’s eyes widened. No way.

Tightening the hug a little before letting go of Dirk to place his hands on his shoulders, Jake looked him in the eyes, both with a matching volume of tears and finally spoke, “Maybe we could talk it out a tad?” He offered, smiling weakly. “Fancy a game of soccer while we’re at it, love?” He laughed faintly.

“Nobody talks jack shit out while playing football, Jake.” Dirk smiled. A real, actual, unironic smile. “But I’d like that.”

As if right on cue, they both leaned in to kiss one another, fireworks lighting up in the background. Dirk wrapped his arms around Jake’s waist and Jake wrapped his around Dirk’s neck. The birth of Earth C had just begun, and the flashing lights only added to their emotional escape with each other. It was truly a sight to behold, much more experience. To describe what they were feeling, well, it was quite hard to put into words. But if it’s any compensation, it felt like all the weight their hearts held melted away and they could finally fly. Metaphorically, of course. It wouldn’t really apply now that they could literally do it. Regardless, they wouldn’t rather be anywhere else but here.

Neither of them held back anymore tears nor feelings nor words.

...

Several more years passed, well, 5000 to be exact, with the help of Dave’s time-travelling powers. John and Jane ruled the newly born Human Kingdom, Dave, Jade, Karkat and Terezi ruled the Troll Kingdom, Rose and Kanaya, now married, alongside Roxy and Calliope ruled the Carapace Kingdom, and of course, Dirk and Jake ruled together in the consort kingdom, like the antisocial little duo they were, unable to interact with other responsive beings therefore finding confinement surrounded by the ones who can barely _make_ any conversation. They were together, and that was all the company they needed.

They did end up having their promised soccer game. In the park, with everyone else casually hanging out around them. Ah, the bliss of not fearing for your life every single day really had its perks. Their game was fun and all, but they only had 2 players and both of them were on seperate teams. Honestly, their game was more to tackling one another and rolling around in the dirt than real soccer. They had fun though.

“Oof!” Jake huffs as he was yet again tackled onto the grass. Tumbling around with Dirk, he laughs like it was the best day of his life. “I see you really like having me getting down and dirty eh, Dirk?”

“Don’t phrase it like that.” Dirk says. “Unless you want to tempt me into something. If so then keep going.” He earns a chuckle from Jake. “And _you’re_ one to talk." He continues. "You just like rolling around in the dirt.”

“I do like rolling around in the dirt.”

“Dork.”

“Dirk.”

They laugh.

“C’mere,” Jake says, pulling Dirk into a quick kiss before flipping him over his head. Dirk lands on his back with a soft oof. “Race you to our place! Last one there is a rotten barnacle!” Jake yelled before he zipped right on his way to their home.

“Barnacle,” Dirk mutters, fondly regarding his boyfriend’s awkward choice of words. He then captchalogues the ball before running after him, playing fair and not using his ability to fly at hyper-speed.


	5. Chapter 5

Jake huffs heavily as he makes his way into their home. He bolts inside the door and as Dirk catches up behind him with an equal amount of dishevelled, he shuts the door on him. Of course, Dirk is quick enough to hold the door open with his foot.

Jake pushes with all his strength to close the door and Dirk pushes against it to keep it open. It was practically a war between them.

“Haha, you can’t get in, you stinky, stinky barnacle!” Jake taunts him, pushing as hard as ever.

“Oh yeah? Oh yeah?” Dirk taunts him back.

“Yeah!!” Jake laughs.

“Well…” Dirk says as he wiggles his leg into the gap between the door and the doorframe. He then places his foot onto the doorframe and kicks with all his strength, forcing the door open and slamming Jake into the wall. He then slides on in and stands close in front of Jake. “I’m  _ your  _ ‘stinky, stinky barnacle’.”

“You think you’re smooth, huh, laddie?” Jake smiles at him, amused from how he was defeated. Dirk nods.

Jake then wraps his arms around his neck. “Well, then, my stinky, stinky barnacle, what might you be planning on doing this fine evening?” A devilish smirk curves on his face.

“By the looks of it,” Dirk says, placing his hands on Jake’s waist. “You, perhaps?” He pushes him against the door, closing it shut before locking it. 

“My, my, how scandalous that would be, good sire.” Jake says, biting his lip. 

“You know it,” Dirk then mashed their lips together. He was both nervous AND excited to have Jake’s consent for tonight. Believe it or not, it would be their first time together, and Dirk wouldn’t want to miss it for the world.

Jake hungrily pushes his head back towards him, his mouth open, tongue trying to push past Dirk’s clenched teeth to the moist space within. Dirk slides his hands under Jake’s shirt, making him whimper into the kiss, eager to have him as well. His back was moist from the sweat he accumulated from running quite the distance he did earlier. Jake runs his fingers through Dirk’s hair, gripping it as if he wasn’t allowing him to escape.

The kiss breaks. They were both panting rather aggressively. “Ready to take this to the bedroom, big guy?” Dirk smiles at him. Jake smiles back. “Only if you carry me.” Perfectly timed, before Dirk could turn around, Jake springs up and wraps his legs around Dirk’s waist. The full weight of Jake at his front side caused him to lose his balance and stumble forwards face-first into the door. “Ow.” Dirk regarded, his voice muffled.

He then regains his stance and wraps his arms securely around Jake. Before he starts towards their shared bedroom upstairs, he decides to lose both pairs of their shoes by the door for future convenience and on his way, a familiar hardness presses against his stomach. “Oh?” He says, hinting towards the obvious boner his partner has. Jake blushes. “Keep it steady, buster. Bedroom first.”

Dirk shakes his head, stifling a grin he had. “You know, it would have been a little sexy, maybe, if I’d done you against the door where anyone outside could’ve heard your sexy ass voice.”

Jake turns redder. “Awfully kinky for our first time, don’t you believe?” 

“Wouldn’t be our first if a certain someone’d just not chicken out whenever I initiated, just sayin’.” Dirk shrugs.

“Dirk!” Jake cries out, flustered. “You’re… quite the dirty man.” His voice gets quieter, embarrassed, unable to argue. Maybe the thought of doing it against the door wouldn’t be so bad after all? He makes a mental note of that.

“You know me.” Dirk replies, turning his head to nibble Jake’s ear as they approach closer to their bedroom. Once they arrive, Dirk closes the door by pushing it with his leg, and proceeds to lay Jake on their shared bed, trapping him between his arms. Dirk still stood on the floor, bending less than gracefully over to have Jake under him. “Hey.” Dirk said to him.

“Hi,” Jake sighs dreamily, looking Dirk in the eyes. Well, he WOULD be if only his shades weren’t present. He places his hands on each side of said shades. “I suppose you wouldn’t mind taking these off, mate?”

“Why,” Dirk asks, a little perturbed.

“I want to see your eyes.” Jake answers.

Dirk purses his lips. “Fine,” He says rather reluctantly. “Off they go."

Jake smiles. He cheerily removes his glasses revealing Dirk’s enticing orange eyes. The blonde blushes, a little insecure of the appearance of his eyes. “Nothing special.”

“Really? I don’t think so.” Jake says, planting a kiss on the bridge of his nose. “I think you’re very pretty.” His words were laced with so much affection that Dirk just turns another level of red.

“I sure hope you do seeing as I’m between your legs right now.” Dirk regarded. He then stands up to take his shirt off. “If you don’t mind I’m gonna need you to strip too. Anytime now. No rush.”

Jake chuckles. “Will do, love,” Then, he complies, sliding his jacket right off, followed by the tank top he had underneath.

“Slide on over to my side of the bed and grab some condoms and lube, would you? It’s somewhere in the nightstand.” Dirk requested. Jake only smiles a little before kicking his legs to quite literally slide across the bed and reach his arm out to grab whatever he could. He blindly rummages through one of the drawers without even turning around to look inside it, relying entirely on his touch senses to recognize what a condom packet/box felt like.

When he comes across the first thing to remotely resemble a cuboid, he pulls it out of the drawer to take a gander at it. “I think this is it.” He says. Though, upon closer inspection, it was quite the odd look for a condom box. It wasn’t even a rectangle, it was a cube and a rather hard one too, possibly made out of metal. It also had nexus pattens decorating its delicate features.

“Weird decor for a condom box.” Jake minded. And to make it all the more obscure, the nexus patterns lead to one large circle occupying one of the surfaces of the cube. He grazes his hands against it and the patterns along with the circle itself lit up red.

In a panic, Jake shrieks and fumbles around with it in his hands, bouncing it from one to the other and eventually dropping it behind the bed with an audible thunk. The colour leaves his face as he covers his mouth with both his hands, feeling both fear and confusion at the same time.

Dirk notices him. “What’s wrong, Jake?” He enquires.

“What…” Jake’s hands were trembling as they left his mouth. “What in the flying fuck was that?!” He exclaims as he shoots right up and bolts to Dirk’s side. 

“What’s gotten into you dude? It’s almost like you saw a ghost or some shit-” His words trail away as he turns to see none other than Hal’s body standing tall in front of him, across the bed. It wasn’t long before A.I Hal himself saw this opportunity and manifested inside the body, gaining the ability to move around again.

“Man, it feels good to be back.” He cackles a robotic cackle as he stretches his body out. “What’s good, Strider? English?”

“WHAT THE FUCK” Jake shouts. “Brobot???” He asks, recognizing the familiar look of the robot standing in front of him.

“No, no,” Hal chuckles. “Hal.” He places his hand on his chest, modest. Like a preschool teacher introducing herself to her class of drooling toddlers.

“The A.I???” Jake asks again, unable to believe what he’s seeing in front of his eyes.

“That’s me, beautiful.” Hal winks at Jake.

Jake was at a loss for words. Dirk pats his head. “It’s okay,” He said, ruffling his hair. “To explain what the fuck is going on, this cunt you’re lookin at made me make him a body a few years back because he was desperate and felt oppressed in his virtual playground. A step into reality, as he said it.”

“And that’s not all!” Hal continues, sounding rather chipper. He then turns to the nightstand and rummages through it in an attempt to recover another cube, similar to the one he came from a second ago. Pressing the same circle Jake did to activate his body, forms another one that Dirk was all too familiar with. 

“Golly-” Dirk whispers, surprised to see him once again after several years. Jake was just as surprised as he was, seeing a robot with many features matching his right in front of his eyes.

“Meet, Lil Golly!” Hal says.

“Aloe. I’m Lil Golly. Prototype Model 4.13, at your service. Pleasure to be of your acquaintance.” He bows. What a gentleman.

Jake gasps at the very sight of him.

“Oh,” Hal says. “Oh Dirk never told you about him?” He tilts his head.

“No,” Jake answers, bewildered.

“Of course he didn’t.” He shoots a smirk at Dirk, who only furrows his eyebrows and grips his fist. “Let me do the honours for you, Sir English.”

“Why, I’ve never seen anything quite like it.” Jake had sparkles in his eyes, intrigued by the machine that shares his complexion. “Dirk, this is really quite wonderful!” He tugs repeatedly on Dirk’s arm. “You built a robot-me and you didn’t tell me?” He exclaims. Then, he turns back to Hal and Golly. “May I touch him?”

Golly tilts his head.

“Whoa there,” Hal holds out his arm in front of Golly. “Depends on what kind of touch, English,” He smirks. “Golly can get a little ahead of himself if you're pickin up what I'm layin down.”

“Whatever could you mean?” Jake asks, an eyebrow raised.

Hal then puts on his signature shit eating grin. “Well, if you really MUST know-”

“Shut it, Hal.” Dirk says through his gritting teeth. His eyes were bloodshot and his cheeks were red, clearly embarrassed from the things he had done in the past. Hal just smiles at him.

“You see, English, Dirk isn’t, or, relatively, wasn’t, I guess, the most stable person out there. He definitely had issues with his own self care and desires, upon having to live in solitude over a large body of water for several years without even seeing hide nor hair of his guardian. Therefore, one might say he had… pent up frustrations, never being touched by another human being ever.” Hal explains as he paces around the bed, making his way towards the couple.

“Hal.” Dirk says.

“And to solve that problem,” Hal continues. “Was no feat for our BELOVED Dirk Strider. Of course, he didn't have the heart to do anything to dear Squarewave and Sawtooth, do you know the guys? Squarewave and Sawtooth?” He asks Jake.

“Yes, I’m quite familiar.” Jake answers.

“Hal.” Dirk says, even more sternly than before, shooting a murderous glance at him. Hal just lifts his hands, looking at him condescendingly.

Then he finishes. “What your manz did instead, was build a robot with its whole purpose being to satisfy him.” He grins at Dirk, teasing him. “Meet your doppelganger, Jake. Meet: Lil Golly.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops hiatus again because school again


End file.
